Crash
before i took the test i told myself never to let the result of this test determine my worth as a person. but when i saw my grades i still could not help but scream out loud inside that I AM A FAILURE. it's not so much having failed again, but it is more like the growing realisation that maybe, just maybe, this is one thing i should not be doing because i am simply not wired for it. if people can be forgiven for not being gifted, even not being able to be "normal" (whatever that means), why can't people be forgiven for not being able to drive?
the money also ready wasted on the driving lessons and last 2 tests aside, why is it that the vicious cycle demands that we continue taking the darn test until we pass, even if it sucks us dry before that? God alone knows how many times it would be before i pass...or not? maybe i never will. at least i don't need to drive to get to see God in heaven. i'm sure God doesn't take one look at me and go "non-driver, proceed to the goat's corner please" (in the bible it is said at the last judgement people will be separated as "the sheep and the goats", those who accept and those who reject Him, those who would love to spend eternity with Him, and those who would rather not.)
I wonder if anyone else suffers the kind of constant struggle with self-worth and inadequacy as i do. It feels *so* bad to be failure, to be told you can't make it, either by someone else or worse still, by that voice in your head that is not the Holy Spirit. My first instinct is still to think that I SUCK etcetc, but praise be to God that truly this, or anything at all, can never be the judge of my worth because I AM HIS DAUGHTER. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Majesty of the universe. Because He has adopted me as His own, because I am His child, He loves me, therefore I am worthy. If not for that, how can I live? How can I live as a "failure" in the eyes of this world, and worse still, in my own eyes? Yet, how can I despise my life when I look on the cross and see the price Jesus paid for it? I dare not mock His sacrifice.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
i have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful" (Jeremiah 31: 3-4)
As much as I really really feel like breaking something and swearing really loudly, I cannot help but to praise God. No, i'm not feeling so noble as to "thank God for the good experience etcetc" but when I think about my wondering at whether anyone suffers with inadequacy as much as i do, I know the answer is yes. And there are many amongst these, that do not have the comfort of Christ.
the money also ready wasted on the driving lessons and last 2 tests aside, why is it that the vicious cycle demands that we continue taking the darn test until we pass, even if it sucks us dry before that? God alone knows how many times it would be before i pass...or not? maybe i never will. at least i don't need to drive to get to see God in heaven. i'm sure God doesn't take one look at me and go "non-driver, proceed to the goat's corner please" (in the bible it is said at the last judgement people will be separated as "the sheep and the goats", those who accept and those who reject Him, those who would love to spend eternity with Him, and those who would rather not.)
I wonder if anyone else suffers the kind of constant struggle with self-worth and inadequacy as i do. It feels *so* bad to be failure, to be told you can't make it, either by someone else or worse still, by that voice in your head that is not the Holy Spirit. My first instinct is still to think that I SUCK etcetc, but praise be to God that truly this, or anything at all, can never be the judge of my worth because I AM HIS DAUGHTER. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Majesty of the universe. Because He has adopted me as His own, because I am His child, He loves me, therefore I am worthy. If not for that, how can I live? How can I live as a "failure" in the eyes of this world, and worse still, in my own eyes? Yet, how can I despise my life when I look on the cross and see the price Jesus paid for it? I dare not mock His sacrifice.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
i have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful" (Jeremiah 31: 3-4)
As much as I really really feel like breaking something and swearing really loudly, I cannot help but to praise God. No, i'm not feeling so noble as to "thank God for the good experience etcetc" but when I think about my wondering at whether anyone suffers with inadequacy as much as i do, I know the answer is yes. And there are many amongst these, that do not have the comfort of Christ.
posted by beloved at 5:50 PM
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