God, why is it so difficult?

When P preached last sunday and talked about this question, I did not flinch an eyelid. It may be tough for some, but I'm having it pretty good right now, I thought.

Things came crashing down this week.

P preached about sin, about holiness, and I thought--that's not relevant to me at this point. I had just had a wonderful start of the year, rejoicing in God's goodness and timing, humbled by a sense of awe for him and for his beautiful plan. I feel assured, empowered, and victorious.

Today, after a crushing end to the day, at the end of a series of setbacks, I barely made it home.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be Can both freshwater and salt water flow from the same spring? My brother, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

--James 3: 9-12

Why did I open my mouth and relish in telling the tale? The worse thing is, I knew, I did it knowingly--God's spirit flashed danger in my mind before I started, but I thought, why not? Everyone was asking for it, surely it can't hurt if we tone it down a bit...?

But I was wrong. I felt horrid. I feel even more a hypocrite then ever. Before, when I did not know that person, it was sinful to join in because it was unfair. Now, when I know and rejoice in the Lord with that person, it is even worse of me! How could I! What happened to the 'moral courage' we go on about? How can I teach it, if I don't practise it? I could have stopped it, I could have refused to participate. But I didn't. Instead, I lulled myself into thinking that it was ok. That it wasn't gossip. But how can I be a testimony, how can I face Jesus, or worse, the Holy Spirit who burns within me, testifying against me?

I hate myself. I allowed the evil one to tempt me and I succumbed to it. I allowed myself to sin. The accusations rang in my ears, "Christians are hypocrites. Like you."

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit away for mme.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

Psalm 51:7-12

Today I almost sinned against Him again. I held my tongue, but I feel so tired that I almost didn't want to be good anymore. But to be good is more than a command, it is the reputation of my Father and the holiness of my heart that is at stake. I love God too much to let this happen, but how I wish I could, sometimes!

God, why is it so difficult?